A Thousand Words

The proverb states that, "A picture is worth a thousand words," but this two-frame cartoon featuring 30 words says so much more about the state of relationships between young Black men and women. 

This image has been floating around my Facebook news feed in the last 24 hours and to my surprise it's actually almost a year old. It depicts a young Black woman choosing a thug over a nerd and later [almost 2 children later] attempting to get his attention. There are a plethora of stereotypes and messages presented in this cartoon. 

There is depiction of the Jezebel archetype, seemingly making bad decisions resulting in being alone with two children. She wears the same outfit in both scenes, denoting that she hasn't progressed in life. She begins as an object of desire and ends up with a look of disdain. I questioned the excitement over the cartoon. Do young Black men see themselves as the rejected nerd? Is success [in any definition] some sort of sweet revenge? Why would young Black men want to seek revenge against young Black women?

The nerd is physically smaller and meeker than the man of choice. Note that he fawns over her and harbors  resentment in his telling her to, "beat it." In my experience, this ties directly to how young Black men deal with rejection. Since the nerd doesn't posses physical power, he asserts his power through the material [i.e. a suit, money and sports car]. He basks in the confidence of having the power to reject her. 

The artist depicts the thug character as a shirtless, tattooed, jewelry laden baby maker. I understand using two images of Black men that are on opposite ends of the spectrum to make a point. I do not understand imaging of a Black man as a negative. This perpetuates the negative stereotypes of both extremes within our own community. 

There is truth in humor, but I still believe this is a generally unrealistic image where there is splitting [a psychological mechanism used where undesirable parts of oneself are disowned] and projection [when people unconsciously identify with a person, event or attitude by projecting the split parts of themselves] occurring. What is realistic is the self-fulfilling prophecy that occurs with imagery like this. If we believe it will happen then it will.

I'm still left with many a question in this cartoon. What happened during the "years later"? What does the next frame look like? Do Black women have bad taste in men? Is a woman with good taste in men an opportunist? What is the state of Black relationships? My list of questions can go on forever. What do you think?

Overall, I'm not a fan of the cartoon by any means. Not all Black women are thug-chasing "baby mothers" and shameless opportunists. And not all Black men are the irresponsible thug or docile, emasculated nerd. Stereotypes are wack. 

bisou, bisou

Miss Emme

Girls... with Friends

Friends. They seem to be an epidemic in young Black relationships. We've heard it in music, seen it on film and have even observed in our own lives. No matter how intensely you feel about your significant other, there always seems to be that one friend that you just cannot stand. It's that simple.

"I don't like them," is the phrase that's spewed out and often paired with a disapproving expression. The reasons may vary, but the issue exists across the board. Whether it's the friend with the bad attitude, the friend that is single or the most-hated male friend, there is a question about why the relationship exists. 

My friends weren't well-liked in my last relationship and neither was the fact that I had a lot more male friends and acquaintances than he expected. He thought that my stance with him was compromised by my loyalty to my friends and male friends always had some hidden agenda. It was difficult to find a median, having to remain true to my friendships and still creating a comfortable environment for my significant other. I'm sure I'm not the only woman that has had to find the balance between the two.

I've heard of all sorts of reasons why men didn't like the company kept by their woman. Single friends are another common issue, having a problem with the advice that they give to where they spend their time and how they dress. They love spending time with you and hate on your relationship just so the two of you can be single together. Then there's the Martin-Pam combination, enough said.

The idea that a man or woman didn't like their partner's friends has always denoted, for me, a lack of trust in their partner's judgment. And with that logic it only leads me to ask, if she can't pick good friends, how could she possibly pick a good boyfriend?

It sometimes seems as if a man's loyalty to his friends completely overrides a woman's loyalty to hers. I believe that it ties right into the traditional concept of women having to sacrifice their lifestyles and replacing it with that of their significant other. Are young women still filing themselves into those positions? How are we supposed love and accept every friend that they've made in a lifetime, when they won't think twice about accepting ours?

bisou, bisou

Miss Emme

A Dream Deferred

I was listening to Wale's "Ambitious Girl" track off of his More About Nothing mixtape [which I do often] and was fascinated by his admiration of a young woman who chases her dreams. He described it as a turn-on saying things like, "...your drive drives me crazy" and "...your productivity is the reason I interest." It's definitely a fitting song for the young women at my university, especially the ones I surround myself with; young Black women who are dream chasers.

This same song also left me reflecting on the famous quote from I Think I Love My Wife, "You can lose lots of money chasing women, but you will NEVER lose women chasing money." This adage doesn't particularly hold true for women. There has always been a plethora of stories, especially about Black women, losing out on love because they chose a more ambitious route. Why don't men chase the dream chasers?

Black women have so much more to lose in the pursuit of our dreams, sacrificing relationships, pushing emotions to the side and losing out personal time, having to strive a little bit harder than everyone else. There are those that push through and see their endeavors come to fruition. Others put themselves to the side and watch their dreams slip away. The truth is we can have it all, just not all at the same time.

It depends on what's important and when it becomes important. Priorities change with time, but I'm definitely using my youth to better myself, strive for my goals and grow as a person. How can I expect so much from a partner if I'm not bringing anything to the table? Let's call it evenly yoked, on all levels. 

I've spoken with more experienced career women that have all met with the same challenge. Compromise. Some working harder in their fields in order to support their families and some slowing down on their career paths because they desired families. They all managed to find a balance, whether it meant sacrificing one thing or another. 

But where does that leave the 20 year old college junior with entrepreneurial aspirations? And the 23 year old fresh out of a university looking for a graduate school in a new state? We are least likely to have serious obligations forcing us to make those sacrifices. Yet, we face some of our counterparts who believe the choice is simple. It's one thing to consider the future plans of a significant other and another to allow your own plans to fall by the wayside. 

How much would you compromise in the name of love? Is seeking independence a man deterrent? Where are the men chasing the dream chasers [Is Wale the only one? LOL]? Is the premise of Deliver Us From Eva a prevalent reality? 

Too unrealistic?

bisou, bisou

Miss Emme

Natural Hair + Black Men= ?

In celebration of my first "Big Chop" anniversary, I wanted to touch on my experience with natural hair in the dating realm. When I first decided to transition from relaxed to natural hair, I was already in a serious relationship. My boyfriend was supportive of my choice as long as I didn't end up with a low ceasar. 

December 2009

I was concerned about growing my hair long enough before cutting off my relaxed ends. He expressed that I should practice the virtue of patience. I had only made it about five months before the scissors began to call my name. I stood in my bathroom for two hours carefully cutting away at my own mane. I panicked. I was afraid of what I had done to myself, afraid that I had made myself ugly and definitely afraid to tell him what I had done.

I waited 24 hours and sent him a picture. I anxiously awaited the response. "Well, it was nice while it lasted," was the reply I received. I was in shock and in tears. I took him seriously and according to him that was supposed to be a joke. I never found it funny. 

I wanted to be natural and I wasn't overly concerned about what other people thought. As soon as I cut it all off, the insecurities came flooding in. Did I look like a boy? Did I make a mistake? Does my boyfriend hate it? Do I hide my hair until I'm comfortable? I struggled. 

I always wondered if other naturals were concerned about how their choice would affect their relationships or dating prospects. Or if their significant others were open-minded enough to accept the change and confident enough to defend the tresses, long, short, relaxed or natural. Sometimes, Black men's insecurities are reflected in the women that they date; with women having to appear a certain way for their own comfort. 

November 2010

Another question that has remained in the back of my mind was about the type of men natural hair attracts. I notice that more seemingly Afrocentric and artistic men and loc wearers approach a natural girl. We get called things like "sister" and "queen." Do those men see natural-haired women in a different light? Do other men see natural-haired women as unapproachable?

If my curls deflect men of my interest, maybe those men should have never been on my mind in the first place. Do you think that natural or relaxed hair makes a difference?

About two months after my "big chop," my boyfriend saw my hair in person for the first time. It wasn't so bad, after all. He liked it better than he thought he would. My hair being natural actually didn't matter much. I had fussed over nothing. He was interested in me and that meant accepting my curls as part of the package.

bisou, bisou
Miss Emme

The Laws of Attraction

"Do you really think that guys notice that?" My friend chuckled at that fact that women wear mascara and false lashes to make their eyes stand out and essentially seem more attractive. "Who told you that? A girl told you that?"

The discussion continued. He claimed men don't notice every tiny detail that women painstakingly pour over to make themselves appear a certain way. I argued that the details are what make up the big picture and overall appearance is rarely ignored by male or female. His simple, "Who told you that?," continued to ring in my head long after the conversation was over.

Who set the standards? Why do we really wear mascara? Who do we wear the mascara for? Now, don't get me wrong. I like to play in make-up as much as the next M.A.C. girl, but I never really questioned why I was wearing make-up. 

Everything from how women wear make-up and how we do our hair, to the tight jeans that show off the cheeks and the bra that pushes breasts into the heavens is a part of beautifying and enhancing ourselves. But for who? If the men don't notice the details, who do we dress up for? I know there is a slew of you saying that we do it for ourselves, to make ourselves feel good and to express ourselves outwardly. That's perfectly fine. However, our outward appearance does greatly affect how we feel. For instance a bad hair day can ruin any woman's mood whether or not anyone else seems to notice.

Appearance is an important part of attraction. It's the first few seconds that determine whether or not conversation will be held to find out what goes along with the facade. Women, especially those seeking out a partner, invest in that attraction. Lest we not forget that beauty is a multi-million dollar industry with Black women making sure that their "hair's done, nails done, everything did."

We continue to suck it, tuck it, sew it, push it, brush it, hide it and reveal it in order to pull the right man. If we have to do all of that, are we really attracting the right mate? What is a young Black man attracted to, anyway? And what attributes are going to help you get past the second date?

Thus, begins my quest! I am going to find out what it is that Black men want and share it with you all. What do you think?

bisou, bisou

Miss Emme

Preferences & Pedestals

I mentioned that an article in the November issue of Essence is what sparked my interest in addressing Black women and relationships. Demetria L. Lucas, often referred to as the "Black Carrie Bradshaw," penned a piece entitled "Us vs. Them", questioning the reasons behind the dating preferences of Black men. 

Generally, the article pointed out that Black men tend to put women of other races on a pedestal and that there preferences were based on what they didn't like about Black women. I had to agree with Ms. Lucas. I have definitely come across the complaints of Black men wishing that Black women were more supportive like white women, more coddling like Latina women or subservient like Asian women. 

There is nothing wrong with an independent, opinionated, self-sufficient woman, period. There is something wrong with the fact that Black women get so much flack for having those attributes. We are not all finger-waving, neck-rolling, attitude-having harpies.

I brought the conversation to my friends, five other women and one man. There was one particular point that struck a chord for me. My friend brought up that men and women of other races are rarely ever caught up in downing their cultural counterparts in justification of their preferences. I have yet to come across the opposite, but often run into Black men looking for the "best race" to date and Black women considering dating outside of their race because Black men "ain't sh*t." 

And of course there is the standard of beauty issue. Are our men suffering from "Kardashian Syndrome," in love with long hair, lighter or fair skin and exotic features and not wanting to deal with scarf-wrapped head at night? Why are the cultural behaviors of other women so preferred? That leads me to wonder if Black men appreciate the cultural behaviors of their mothers, sisters and aunts? Better yet, what are they instilling into their daughters? 

I am partial to Black men, but have never completely dismissed men of other races. And I've never belittled a Black man to legitimize what I generally like about men. What's your preference? 

Finally, do Black men really insult us to exalt other races of women?

bisou, bisou

Miss Emme

Earth Girls Aren't Easy: The Shift

I guess talking about relationships and the dynamic between men and women in general is going to require me to be a bit candid, huh? Well, here goes nothing.

I was recently emancipated from a serious relationship of almost two years. I can't pinpoint the particular moment, but there was a shift. After we incurred the dreaded "break," there was a shift in communication, in priorities and the direction of the relationship.

I wanted the same things, but on my terms. Where I felt I couldn't express myself to him, I poured out to Twitter because deep down inside I knew what I had to say wouldn't lead to anything positive. I found interest in the happenings with other people, where I should've kept my interest in him. We had our problems, like any couple, but we were still invested. We eventually wanted to be married. He tried to be a good partner, but I was detached and he knew it. 

He was everything I wanted and everything I didn't want all wrapped in one. So here lies my question, why do women remain in relationships when instincts tell them otherwise? Are we afraid of sacrificing our relationships for our own feelings? And do we bury how we feel just to get by?

Looking back, I definitely believe the lingering is more painful to both parties than addressing the issues.

bisou, bisou

Miss Emme